Senioritis, revisited.

Since junior year began my work effort started going downhill. I gave up trying. I put more of my focus into life than my schoolwork. I must say, it’s been refreshing. Life is definitely not as stressing as needing to maintain my grades, studying, etc. etc. [Yes, there are two etc.’s. Don’t mind me.] I’ve learned to live in the moment. I used to think everything should be planned out carefully: do this at this time, make sure to do this sometime before the day ends, schedule this event for this time, I’m not free then because I’m going to be doing this. The sudden “living in the moment” business and just doing things whenever I wanted to confused me at first. I still found myself planning and scheduling, thinking through what and what I should be doing this and that. When I finally gained my last stretch of ultimate freedom [aka license] the walls began to come down. At random whims I’d decide “Oh, I think I’ll go to the library now and get something to read.” Or if my friends wanted to go see a movie and only told me the day of. In the past I probably would have sifted through my schedule piece by peace and then decided, yea I can go. But now, because of the lack of work, I’d just think “Yea I think I have room. I’ll go.”

With this new freedom and randomness came new friends. Guys, or maybe just the particular ones I’m friends with, do things on a whim. They don’t schedule when to go to each other’s houses. They decided, during school, “Hey, wanna go to so-so’s house and play Halo?” This particular phrase can be changed in so many ways that represnts what they do. This particular way of living has opened up a new way of living I’d never thought of before. My friends [girls, obviously] would decide maybe a few days in advance to go someplace or have a sleepover at so-so’s house. For some of them, they were as spontaneous as the guys, but not so often. As I’ve gotten to know them [the guys], I’ve gotten to live more and more in the moment, not thinking ahead as much but still having just as much fun. I’m still the girl who creates the schedules in her head because leaving my comfort zone is still too hard. I’m not that kind of person. But I’m learning and I’m changing and I rather like it.

Now onto the gloomy stuff.

I view my friends as two groups: guys and girls. I’ve begun to feel left out of my original group of friends. They include me in the planned events but in their random act of sponteneity, I find myself included at the last minute. And it hurts because I thought I was more towards the center of the group as opposed to being towards the rim of the wheel. I feel excluded even though I am included. I know my nature is to be that of a person who stands at the back and watches people [creepy, I know] but I’m not a socializer. I have a close group of friends and I like to know that this close group considers me close. When I see that I’m not as close as I thought I was, my chest hurts and I question how I’ve viewed our friendship over the past years. I do not give my heart lightly.


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