a little lost

Physically I am not lost but I feel myself mentally and emotionally at a loss of what to do, where to go from this point. I am mentally and emotionally lost.

I’m finally in college and I finally have the time and ability to write whatever the fuck I want and that makes me incredibly happy. I’ve spent so long being repressed. The writing scene just did not pan out. Whether it was school work being a load or my parents nagging on me about writing being a bad idea, I could never write. Here in college, the freedom is astounding and I love it. I’m surrounded by such creative and talented people and yet what am I doing? I’ve been repressed for so long that now that I have the chance to write, I can’t do it. Of course, that’s not entirely true. I still retain the ability, and my writing style has greatly improved from that of a child, but I simply can’t bring myself to write. It’s like my mind and my creativity has not caught up to my physical self, here in college. It’s still stuck in the high school age where I could never write, writing was taboo. It’s almost similar to a very long writer’s block. I will think up ideas, think about them, perhaps write them down, but when will I follow through? Maybe next week, maybe tomorrow, maybe that very second. However, it proves too difficult to continue writing and I will stop because my mind can’t handle the amount of writing that I want to do but mentally cannot do. One of my best friends has told me that in order to write I need to write more and I completely understand. I wholeheartedly wish I could write more often, but I am stuck. I am lost in the non-writing world and cannot find my way back to the surface. Sometimes I think I see the light through the web that surrounds me, but then I find myself back in the thick of it all. I need to find my way out.

Emotions keep playing with my heartstrings. That sounds so terribly cliche, but there is some truth to it. I want to be freed from the strings that are wrapped around me. A part of me has found a way out but the rest of me still clings to it. I want to be able to like who I want for a little while, no strings attached. I feel like right now, I am in the midst of a terrible soap opera. I want everything and yet want nothing at all.

This freedom. Where do I get it?

I’ve lost my way and I don’t know when I’ll find the path again.

I want to go where I’ve never been before, but I’m trapped here.
I’m jealous of the sun and the moon.


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