Defining Loneliness

What is loneliness? Is it the feeling that happens when you question your surroundings and visualize the image you have built of your “self”?  Is it the appearance that you take on when you are a stranger in a room of friends? Is it the understanding that the people you trust do not understand you the way you want them to? Is it the hopelessness that follows that understanding? Is it realizing that you are bound in chains and cannot ever hope to free yourself even though you try so hard?

These past few days have been really stressful for me. I’ve always known how difficult it is for me to express my thoughts out loud. I have always had a much more easy time writing down my thoughts. It is a big fault of mine and I thought I’d been improving on that front. This weekend just completely threw all my effort back in the water. I ran into a situation where I realized that I was still and probably will be submissive and unable to fight back. I want to change. I want to be able to fight back. All the time afterwards I kept thinking to myself all the things I wanted to say, all the feelings I wanted to express, not just for my sake but for other people’s sakes. It was, and still is, frustrating. Of course, I blame the environment in which I grew up in. It is true, Asian people aren’t very good and speaking up. They let people walk all over them. It’s what they are taught from a young age and that kind of imprinting is difficult to get rid of. However, at an age where I am prone to fighting back, this kind of repressiveness is killing me. Which, of course, causes me to also blame myself. I need to fix this, and no matter how hard I try, I reach a certain point and then watch myself regress back to where I began and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I hate it.


1 Response to “Defining Loneliness”

  1. 1 john henry February 16, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    you’re wrong. i know that you have a tank man inside of you that is patient and knows that there are few things truly worth fighting for, fully capable to do so if needed. my mother always told me to pick my battles. i cant- i am a belligerent fool, i fight all battles i can find a reason for. this is one of the reasons i cannot progress in life, at least not easily. there are times i wish i had the patience you do, but i accept that i will never have full purchase on my tongue, or even my own mind.

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